I started this blog after encountering the promise of Jesus to do whatever I ask in prayer. This promise challenged me; I just knew it couldn't be that simple. But, it was a promise from Jesus, and I believed in Jesus, so I couldn't help feeling a pull from it into a journey of discovery. When I think of a journey of discovery, I think of Lewis and Clark's exploration across the American West. I read Undaunted Courage, by Stephen Ambrose, and I fell in love with the story of their adventure. The band that they assembled to search out a water passage to the West was called the Corps of Discovery. Although they started out looking for a water passage for the purpose of commerce, the trip became about so much more. When I started on my journey, I circled three things that I was asking God for. But, for me, it has been a much wider adventure that has taken shape. I want to share my wife, Mindy's story with you, now, and I am going to let her tell it:
When D.J. and I first got married, there were so many things that we were doing that were all part of building our life together: finding work, buying a house and filling it, having babies, all the things that young couples do. We were busy, and there was kind of a thrill to it. There was always something to look forward to. But when I had my second baby, and started creeping closer to thirty, something started to change. It was like I looked up and said, "Who am I? What have I done with myself? I haven't finished college. I haven't made anything of myself." I'm not whining about being a mother, but generally, there is nobody patting you on the back, telling you what a great mother you are. And even if they do, it doesn't make you feel valued in today's world. I've always been the type of person who wanted someone to tell me I was doing a good job, that I was valued for what I did. It is easy to get swallowed up in the role of wife and mother, and to start to feel small. And I felt small. I felt like I was nothing, to be honest. I didn't see myself as having accomplished anything. It wasn't hard to let the postpartum blues turn into depression.
Along the way, I got an opportunity to work at something that gave me a lot of personal feedback, and I got to be pretty good at it. When I say "personal feedback," I mean people showed appreciation for my contribution. Interacting with people felt good, and hearing praise for how I was helping people felt even better. But I started to feed off that appreciation and make it the basis for my self worth. It is easier to see what I am good at, now, but then I couldn't, really. I could only see my worth through the eyes of others. So, if I got praise or appreciation from someone, it was almost like food. But, if I heard anything that didn't sound like words of affirmation, I would doubt myself. And the doubt was hard to overcome. No matter how many times I heard what a good job I was doing, if I got the slightest hint that someone was not happy, I would agonize over it. Waves of regret would come over me, about what I could have done better. I questioned myself, because, unknowingly, I had based my self-worth on the reactions of others.
Eighteen years into this work, I was still struggling with intense highs and lows, even though I had achieved a lot of success. That is when God intervened. I found out I was being replaced with someone considered more suitable, but for six months I would have to go to work and face the people who didn't think I was up to the task. I know you might ask me, "How is that the work of God?" I would not have recognized it at that time. But, now I know that God didn't cause me to lose my job; He is only the giver of good gifts. But He often allows us to face hardships, so that He can show us who He is. For six months I had to face the people who didn't think I measured up every day. This was the last thing I wanted to do, and I was so hurt and angry, and I was so overwhelmed with feelings of self-doubt. But, I realized that I needed God's strength to get me through. I went to the Bible to find help. I must have quoted Philippians 4:13 hundreds of times to myself, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." And then I started to see something more than a hardship to endure. Strange as it might seem, I was able to see God's purpose in it. My husband and I started praying that God would show His love through me at my work. I prayed for a new job, and I set a deadline of March 31, 2015. D.J. began praying that God would show me the impact I was having at work. God also showed me that I only had to please one Person. I was soaking up the Bible, listening to worship music, and reading great books. It was like I was thirsty, and I couldn't get enough of Jesus. Every day, I went to work, armed with Philippians 4:13, and many times, God would show me people who needed kindness and love. It was a difficult season in my life, but I now look at it as a turning point. I got a new job offer, and I signed the contract on March 31, 2015. And on one particular day around that time, God showed me the impact I had in a way I will never forget, and I will be forever grateful.
Experiencing answers to prayer during that time was so encouraging, but the greatest answer to prayer was what happened in me. God doesn't cause evil, but He causes bad things to turn into good for the ones who love Him. A few weeks ago, I found myself in a situation where I had to face the same feelings of self-doubt and regret. Hurt came rushing back, especially toward one person that I actually really care about. I thought I had gotten past those feelings, but here they were again. Do you ever have a bad dream, and you wake up irritated? That happens to me sometimes. I know I went to bed mulling over the situation I had faced and the people I was missing, and I woke up from a dream where I was reliving everything again. That morning I said, "Lord, I don't want to have these feelings any more." I turned on my favorite worship CD, and I opened my Bible, and I tried to get my heart in the right place. And then I prayed for that person and went back to bed. Later that morning, I woke up to the sound of a message coming in on my cell phone. I picked up the phone, and I saw that it was from the person I had prayed for. I haven't received a message from this person in a long time, so I was actually a little hesitant to open it. But when I did, there on the screen were heartfelt words of affirmation and praise for who I was as a person. I realized that God had used this person to send me a message. There is no other explanation for it.
This is the story of the second of the three answers to prayer that we have been seeking (along with a few bonus answers!). I hope that what you take from our story is that the answer to your deepest longings is not a set of religious practices or principles. The answer is a Person. And right now, that Person, Jesus the Savior, is knocking on your door.